Tough Skin vs. Sensitivity
It’s an internal battle that I’ve always had. On one hand, I know we all need to have tough skin to deal with the world, the people in it, and very tragic circumstances that surprise us. However, I’ve never really been able to buy into that 100%. It’s not because I’m weak, honestly, it’s the opposite.
At least a couple of psychologists have been surprised, and quite happy, at how self-aware I am and how deep I can look into myself…trying to find the answers for myself at least. Toughening my skin may work in a couple key situations when I have no impact on the outcome or if others are being malicious. Overall, it doesn’t really benefit anyone else and, in my perspective, doesn’t benefit myself most of the time. I know, we live in a pretty self-serving, egocentric society these days where most are looking at the question: “What do I get out of it?”… That’s a shitty mindset to have regardless of what social media and various “experts” give their opinions on.
The problem that I continuously run into is that I’m always battling myself on the so called “naughty” words of psychology: should/should’ve, could/could’ve, can’t, etc. I’m always second guessing myself because there’s enough people who think that tough skin is far better and they’re often not afraid to present their criticism. Don’t get me wrong, constructive criticism is good and being lied to about what someone thinks of you is the wrong direction. However, for myself, it makes navigating through social life about as easy as trying to steer a yacht through the choppy mid-ocean waters. That’s where the horrible habit of second guessing myself comes in.
I seem unsure of myself, unsure of what I want or wish to be, and many other things. Most of the time, things are very different from this. On many topics, I’m very sure of who I am and what my strengths/weaknesses are. When it comes to socially,…I’m still at a complete loss. Interestingly enough, this is what most people view and judge others on. I know I love web/software development, playing instruments and writing music, amateur photography, reading philosophy and psychology, diving deep into complex concepts of Alan Watts and so on. In contrast, when it comes to my social self, I have no idea. Being one who enjoys reading about psychology, there are likely things in my childhood that contributed to this social noise in my head that blocks positive outings and connections. However, those who know me well know that I don’t see those possible reasons as the driving force today. It’s possible that I put too much pressure on myself to change something that’s very hard to change. Perhaps it’s philosophy and concepts of training myself to keep my mindset 90% in the present at all time.
I think what’s most difficult for those with good intentions to understand is that I don’t intend to be a pain in the ass, annoying, a stick in the mud, or anything else of that nature. I don’t think most understand that when someone is nice to me, it confuses me. Obviously, I don’t want someone to be mean, but I suppose I’ve gotten so used to many (over many years mind you, nobody in particular) being either cruel/malicious or 100% neutral that when someone does take me in, express a lot of interest in knowing me…it confuses me as much as my reactions to it commonly are.
What is better…tough skin or sensitivity? If I knew the answer to this question, I wouldn’t be writing this. Philosophers have also been trying to answer questions like this for thousands of years. I can only theorize that it’s very unlikely I’ll truly find an answer other than what makes me comfortable and helps me progress to aspire to be happier in life.
Dorian's Journey 